Fade to Black
by Stabson
Summary: Emptiness is filling me, to the point of agony. Growing darkness taking dawn, I was me but now, he's gone. Elliot deals with tragic event in his life. Song-Fic One- Shot.


A/N: My very first songfic! I just wanted to write a one-shot to get my creative juices flowing again. Hope you like it!

Disclaimer: Neither Law and Order: SVU nor the song Fade to Black belong to me. They belong to Dick Wolf and Metallica respectively.

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It was raining hard outside. Thunder was booming and lightening was crackling in the sky. People were rushing down the sidewalks, trying to get out of the rain as quickly as possible. The exception was one man, wearing mostly black, walking at a slow pace, soaked to the bone.

He was too numb to feel the rain. His heart was too cold to feel the frigid air.

_Chaos was all around him. He heard a loud bang, and his mind said, gun. He fell behind his desk, yanking out his own service weapon, and searched for the squad room's assailant. She had blonde hair and her name was Jenna. _

_He had been conflicted about shooting her for a moment when she unloaded another bullet. This one hit Sister Peg. Before he knew what was happening, a bang came from his gun and Jenna was on the floor bleeding. _

_He dropped the gun and ran to her, his heart beating out of his chest. She was going to be okay. She had to be okay, he hadn't killed her. He couldn't have killed her. _

**Life it seems will fade away**

**Drifting further everyday**

**Getting lost within myself**

**Nothing matters no one else**

He was dripping wet when he entered his apartment. His faded blue eyes scanned the dark living room. It was a mess... newspapers that he never read and empty beer cans covered the coffee table and overflowed onto the floor. He didn't have the heart or the strength to care, though. No one saw the apartment anyway; he hadn't seen or spoken to anyone in months. He liked it that way.

The kitchen wasn't much better than the living room. The fridge was empty except for beer and leftover Chinese food. He grabbed one of the six packs from the bottom shelf, walked back into the living room, and dropped onto the couch.

The beer was cold when it went down. He'd always thought that there was nothing like a good, cold beer... now he didn't care so much for the taste as he did the effects.

"_I can't do this anymore, Elliot. I'm taking the kids to Chicago with my sister. I want a divorce."_

"_Kathy, please don't... I can fix it. Just give me a chance."_

"_I've been giving you chances, but you're still not doing anything. You killed a child, you need help. Until you do I don't want you near our children." _

**I have lost the will to live **

**Simply nothing more to give**

**There is nothing more for me**

**Need the end to set me free**

With a shaking hand, he pulled the container of Triazolam from his jacket pocket and set it down next to the six pack of beer. Thunder boomed from outside and lightening flashed, lighting part of his face. There were dark circles under his eyes and a scruffy beard covered his cheeks. He couldn't remember the last time he'd shaved.

"_How are you, Elliot?" Doctor Hendrix asked._

"_I feel like shit," he answered honestly, "I can't stop thinking about it..."_

"_The shooting?"_

_He nodded his head, and she asked, "Have you been sleeping?"_

"_No... the nightmares always come back."_

"_You need to sleep. That's part of the reason that you're feeling so terrible. I'm going to prescribe Triazolam. Take one before bed and you should be fine." _

**Things not what they used to be **

**Missing one inside of me**

**Deathly loss this can't be real**

**Cannot stand this hell I feel**

Hendrix was right. He did need to sleep... just maybe not the same sleep that she was thinking of. He opened the bottle, and dumped half of the pills onto the coffee table before taking another sip of beer.

He was too numb to be afraid of death, or to care of he went to Hell. In his mind he was already there. Living with killing a child, having no one to go to. He couldn't go to anyone, he couldn't deal with the way they would look at him. As a murderer... someone who had killed a child.

He was a murderer, though. He didn't have to kill her... he could've took a second longer, taken a better aim, and she might have still been alive.

_It was a nice day out. Somehow it didn't seem right, nice weather on the day they would bury a child. A child that was shot and killed by a cop. _

_He was standing in the back during the funeral. Sunglasses were over his eyes and he laid low, trying not to be noticed. He shouldn't have been there, but he couldn't help it. He had wanted to apologize to someone, somehow... but he couldn't bring himself to do it. So he just watched as the coffin was lowering into the ground, and when people started to leave, he remained. _

_When everyone was gone, he approached the grave and fell to his knees. Tears were in his eyes, "I'm so sorry. I never meant to do this... I never wanted this to happen."_

_The moisture was now dripping down his face, "I was just trying to protect everyone. Someone else could have been hurt..."_

**Emptiness is filling me **

**To the point of agony**

**Growing darkness taking dawn**

**I was me but now, he's gone**

He finished the last of his first beer, and opened a new one, taking a long swig. He hadn't deserved to go to that funeral, or cry in front of that grave. Not when he was responsible for her death. If it wasn't for him, she would still be alive.

That's why he hadn't spoken to anyone, and why he stopped seeing Hendrix. He didn't deserve help, or friendship. Jenna hadn't gotten any of that. So what made him think that he could?

_When he checked his phone, there were four text messages and two voicemails from Olivia. A pang of pain shot through him when he deleted them without looking. _

_He hadn't spoken to her since the shooting. He didn't want to drag her into this. She was too good for him, she didn't deserve to have to listen to his problems, to how he felt about killing a girl that was Lizzie's age. No, he didn't deserve her anymore._

**No one but me can save myself, but its too late**

**Now I can't think, think why I should even try**

**Yesterday seems as though it never existed**

**Death greets me warm, now I will just say goodbye**

He took the small pile of pills in his hand, and just looked at them for a moment before tossing them back into his throat. The rest of his second beer went down with them.

It was nearly over. Soon all the pain would be gone. Moments passed, and he started to feel a haze coming over his mind. He opened another beer, his last beer, and took a gulp, leaning back against the couch cushions. He didn't think about what would happen when they found him like this... he didn't think about his kids, or Olivia or Kathy. He didn't deserve any of them.

His eyes slid closed, and a small smile twitched across his lips. Then he knew nothing.

**Goodbye**

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A/N: Hope you liked it. And I know that I said that I would never write anything about things that followed Season 12 in SVU, but this one was calling out to me. Please review and let me know what you think!


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